(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
MAN: Execute.
MAN: Go! Go! go!
I got the back!
Moving in!
Make sure he's there!
(GUNS COCKING)
Freeze!
(SCREAMING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
FEMALE EMCEE: Yeah, my favorite stripper.
Gorgeous Goliath!
♪ I want you
♪ You gotta get ready
Feel something hot? Give him a hand!
♪ Gotta get ready
EMCEE: Goliath!
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Now, remember, ladies, at least five
of these gorgeous, gorgeous hunks you are seeing here tonight
are gonna be exclusive
International House of Beefcakes dancers!
And now, our next steaming slab of man.
(POP GOES THE WEASEL PLAYING)
WOMAN: Take it off, baby.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
EMCEE: The Cream Machine!
(PLAY WITH ME PLAYING)
♪ Ring around the rosie Hopscotch, Monopoly
♪ Red light, green light G. I. Joes and Barbies
EMCEE: The mighty, mighty Cream Machine.
♪ Paper dolls, Hacky sack and Hangman
♪ Do you wanna play
It's stupid.
♪ Tag, you're it, Cops and robbers
♪ Jungle gym, Chutes and ladders, Tic tac toe, Mister Rogers
Yahoo!
Yeah!
♪ Electric company, Olly olly oxen free
♪ Do you wanna play
♪ With me
Okay, wait one second.
Come on.
EMCEE: He's creamy.
♪ Do you wanna
Yuck.
♪ Play
Whoo!
♪ Play with me, play with me
♪ Do you wanna
Aah!
♪ Play
EMCEE: The mighty Cream Machine.
♪ Spin the bottle, Post office, Kiss and tell
Slippery when wet.
♪ Cooties, Little league
(SPLOTCHING)
WOMAN: Ugh!
With cheese!
Dairy products like you've never seen them before.
Come here, come here!
(SHOUTING)
♪ Matchbox, Cheerios
♪ ABC's, Spelling bees, Sesame street, Hockey duck duck
♪ Do you wanna play
♪ With me
♪ With me ♪
Hey.
Hi.
Let's go back to my place and curdle.
Eww!
Ugh! Go!
Okay, boys, the votes are in.
Read it and weep.
I made it, I made it. Congrats.
We're gonna be dancers.
TOMMY: Let me through.
THOR: I'm gonna call Mother.
"Adonis, Thor, Sgt. O'Tool, Goliath, Zeus, the Cream..."
Huh?
Excuse me.
I don't understand what happened.
I mean, I was good, right?
Kid, you were too good.
But I got personality!
Personality?
Unfortunately, uh, that's not what the people are paying for.
A kid like you, you're special. You could do anything.
What about fast foods?
It's too greasy.
Post office?
Too dangerous.
You ever fill in potholes? Too labor-intensive.
What about giving sperm?
Also too labor-intensive.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, thanks for trying to hook me up here
at the International Beefcake House, Uncle Sal.
Hey, what's family for, huh? Get over here.
Huh? Who loves you more than your Uncle Sal? All right, goodbye.
Personality!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, well, Peanut,
some things just aren't meant to be. What else is there?
(SIGHING)
(WHIMPERING)
"We pay big bucks for your dog.
"Animal Lab Testing Corporation."
(BARKS)
Don't worry, Peanut, I wouldn't do that to you again.
(BARKING)
(SWEET SOUL REVUE PLAYING IN JAPANESE)
NEWSCASTER ON TV: Right behind me, Carl Wayne Bishop,
the accused Drive-Thru Killer, sits alone
in his 6 by 8 solitary cell.
Coincidentally, the cell is roughly the size of his old workspace.
But there are no burgers, no fries, no frosty shakes.
Just an accused serial killer and his conscience, awaiting trial by jury.
12 brave citizens riding shotgun for...
Wakey, wakey. Eggs and bacey.
Rise and shine, puddin'.
Wake up, Tommy.
Mom, it's not noon yet.
Oh, I brewed you some fresh coffee.
Uh.
But, Mom, that'll keep me up all day.
Puddin', tell me, what happened with your job interview?
I must have been fast asleep when you came in.
What job interview?
The one at the dairy.
Well, Mom, it didn't really happen. I didn't get the job.
Ah.
That's all right, puddin'.
It's okay.
It's dangerous being a milkman.
I saw a whole program on it
on cable television.
I'll find something, Ma. You just don't worry.
Oh, look no further, Mr. District Attorney.
What's this?
A jury duty notice?
My son, the lawyer.
Ma, it pays $5 a day, okay?
Look, look at me. I got stuff to do.
Yes, but...
I heard that when the trial is important,
they sequester the jury in very posh hotels.
Hey, Ma, what could be better than this?
(HORN BLOWING)
Tommy, you just threw away your entire future.
Mom, honey-face, snookum-pie,
I'll find something.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Hey, Ma, look!
Harry the Hot Tub King is slashing all prices.
That's right.
The widest selection. I demand it.
The finest...
Hey, Mom, look. Safe sex.
(HORN HONKING)
Oh, I...
I have to finish dressing.
(MOANING)
Hey, Jed. Hi.
I got two words for you, son.
Polystyrene.
It's like white gold, Tommy. It's everywhere.
People are throwing this stuff away, right and left,
treating it like the plague.
But south of the border, they can't get enough of it.
So, here's what we do.
We find it, clean it, ship it. Bingo.
Easy village, huh? Right.
Come here, I want to show you something. Come on.
Look. Look, what do you see?
TOMMY: A truck full of shit.
JED: No, Tommy. That's the future.
This stuff is light as a feather.
And the best part of it is, they pay you by the pound.
Wow! Then you must be making a fortune.
Yeah.
Ta da! I'm ready.
Where are we going?
Uh, Vegas.
Oh, great! Peanut loves craps.
Siegfried and Peanuts.
You didn't tell him?
I knew there was something I forgot.
Okay, you guys, we are ready.
Tommy, um...
Your mom and I are going to Las Vegas to get married.
Alone.
(WHIMPERING)
Wait a minute. Where are you guys gonna stay?
Honey, we'll be back before you know it.
It's gonna be a very quick honeymoon, right, Jed?
But, Mom, where will Peanut and I eat, sleep, and watch TV?
They're gonna take very good care of you.
I made arrangements for you to stay at the Woodalls.
Bye, puddin'.
(HORN HONKING)
The Woodalls?
Oh.
Come on, Tommy. We won't hurt you.
(BOTH SNARLING)
(YELPING)
Court is in session.
Thanks for the ride, Uncle Morty.
DRIVER: Say hi to your mom for me.
TOMMY: Whoa! Look at that erect building.
Okay, Peanut. Take a deep breath.
Remember, we go to different courtrooms
until they find the trial that's right for us.
And the trial that's right for us is a very long one
where we get to stay in a hotel for free, not to mention $5 a day.
You got that, Peanut?
(BARKS)
Hola, senorita.
It's, uh, pretty impressive, eh?
Yeah, S and M.
(SPLUTTERING)
Kinky.
You here for jury duty?
Oh, yeah. You?
I couldn't get out of it, at least not yet. Give me a hand.
Just around the head?
I'm kind of faking a head wound.
Excuse me. Are you two here for jury duty?
Yeah!
Yeah.
You couldn't get out of it?
At least not yet.
I'm still trying, though. I know.
Hey, look, it's the juice!
Run, O.J., run!
Ahh!
It was a security guard.
Hey, maybe I can help you. Yeah?
Yeah. I got an idea.
"The People versus Robert Trenton."
The defendant is accused of embezzling $2,000.
This trial shouldn't last more than a day or two.
Three days at most.
Bob, is that you?
Who's this? I don't know who he is.
Bobby Trenton?
You know the defendant?
Know him?
We cheated our way through high school together, didn't we, Bobby?
Remember we had that thing with the hands, right here.
Then when we put the thing on the...
And you slammed... It hurt your right there.
Excused.
This trial should move quite swiftly.
Dr. Maurice Gaines, an orthopedic surgeon
has been accused of malpractice.
Murderer!
I don't know. I mean, call me crazy,
but I believe a man has the right to protect his family.
Say hello to Manson for me.
Ee-eee-eee!
You're out of order!
No, you're out of order!
This whole court is out of order!
BAILIFF: Bring him in.
(SNARLING)
JUDGE: Order! Order!
The defendant, Carl Wayne Bishop
is accused of multiple counts of murder.
This trial will be a very long
and involved one.
If you are selected as a juror,
you will be sequestered in a hotel.
Unfortunately, your lives will be disrupted.
Your relationships and jobs will have to be put on hold.
It will be a true test of your commitment
to our judicial system.
Mr. Collins,
do you have any preconceived notions about the Drive-Thru Killer?
Drive-Thru who?
Don't tell me you've never heard of Carl Wayne Bishop?
No, I can't say I have. I'm not one for television.
Poisons the mind. It's too biased.
Nobody tells the truth.
And quite frankly, the truth,
well, that's all I'm interested in.
They picked a jury! They picked a jury!
They're serving tuna salad for lunch! Tuna salad for lunch!
(REPORTER TALKING IN FRENCH)
(REPORTER TALKING IN JAPANESE)
(REPORTER TALKING IN SPANISH)
The jury for this highly-charged
and sensitive murder trial has been chosen.
Presently, the jurors are departing the courthouse
for an undisclosed location.
REPORTER 1: Sir, over here! Do you know where they are taking you?
REPORTER 2: Will you be allowed to see your families?
REPORTER 3: Did you try the tuna salad?
Fear not, citizens.
Justice will be served.
You're in good hands! Aah!
Ow!
What? I had the exact change.
Sit down.
Okay.
(CLUCKS)
Breaker, 1-2. Breaker, 1-2.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Justice Tours!
(LAUGHS)
I'm Juror Number 6.
Number 6, sit down!
Do we have any jurors from out of town?
Great. Would you like to tell us something about yourself?
My name is Jorge, and I received my citizenship here
in this great country, one month ago!
I am so proud to be here.
And you can even drink our water.
(LAUGHS)
Number 6, sit down!
Shh!
You guys, everybody stay calm.
I've just been informed there's a bomb on the bus.
It's set to go off if we exceed the speed of 10 miles an hour.
Sit down!
(LAUGHS)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Aah! Ow.
(SQUEAKING)
(THUDDING)
All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your hotel.
When you're not here, you'll be in the courtroom.
When not in the courtroom, you'll be here.
Please do not discuss any aspect
of the trial with each other or anyone else.
That means friends, family, the media.
TOMMY: What about Ricki Lake? (LAUGHS)
Welcome to the Holiday Suites Hotel, where every day is a holiday.
Eh, pretty nice joint you got here.
JORGE: Beautiful, beautiful.
Actually, you'll be staying in the historic wing.
(MACHINES WHIRRING)
The emergency exits are at the end of the hallways.
And the ice machine is located just across the street at the gas station.
You'll be staying two to a vintage suite.
Jurors 7 and 12, in suite 503.
I'm 12. I'm 7.
And, let's see, we have jurors 2 and 9
in suite 504.
What are you doing?
We're bunkies, see?
9?
Move it, pervert.
Good night.
Wait, wait. No, no, no. Don't shut it. Don't shut it.
Ahh!
(DRILL BUZZING)
Peanut, look. Huh?
We just died and went to heaven.
Oh, my.
Oh, look.
Oh!
Peanut-size shampoos.
All these fun things for me in here.
Two-ply.
(MAN CLEARING THROAT)
Oh, my God!
Something wrong, son?
Principal Beasely.
Good grief.
Mr. Collins? In a suit and tie?
I didn't do it! I didn't do it!
Still hanging out in the boys' room, I see.
Sit down, Collins!
If this isn't one of life's supreme ironies.
Didn't I expel you?
Twice.
I thought so.
What is it, son?
May I be excused?
Very well.
Oh, pleasant dreams, Mr. Collins.
I know that's what you majored in.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SNORING)
MAN ON TAPE: I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
Wait here, Peanut.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe, others will believe.
I will accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's...
TOMMY: Principal Beasely, open up!
I can't sleep with that self-help crap tape!
I...
Quick, sir! Jamie Cooly's smoking in the boys' room.
Lundy's playing with his boner in the back of the class.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe, others will believe.
I can accomplish my goals.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Oh, every day isn't a holiday.
Every day's detention.
Ahh!
I can't sleep.
I'm gonna have bags under my eyes.
...others will believe.
I can accomplish...
If I believe, others will believe.
I am no one's doormat.
All rise.
Department Number 52 of the Superior Court is now in session.
The Honorable Judge Edward J. Powell presiding.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
here are the facts.
Seven innocent men dead.
Seven families destroyed.
Seven lives wasted.
All courtesy of Mr. Carl Wayne Bishop
and a stun gun, Model 350-X.
As the case unfolds,
we will show Carl Wayne Bishop
to be in possession
not only of a stun gun,
but also a lethal
red-hot temper.
We will show that because of his employment record,
getting a job
became as difficult as holding a job.
And as a consequence, Mr. Bishop ended up on the streets.
And finally, we will show that Carl Wayne Bishop
was found living in a boarded-up,
condemned shack, with a stun gun
and the bodies of seven fast-food managers buried in the floorboards.
(WHIMPERING)
The Defense will contend that Mr. Bishop was set up.
That he was merely a harmless drifter
who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Who never actually lived in the condemned house
but was there for a job interview.
At 9:30 at night?
In the worst neighborhood in town?
Please.
The Defense can contend all it wants,
but the evidence will show Mr. Bishop to be a calculating,
cold,
killing machine,
who knew exactly where he was and what he was doing.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
All rise!
Moron.
(SIGHING)
Thanks for saving me a seat.
(SIGHING)
So, what do you think?
About what? Your sleeping or your drooling?
We all have our own ways of concentrating.
Honestly, do you think the guy did it?
I don't think we're allowed to discuss that.
Then what can we discuss?
Us?
Uh-huh.
Nothing.
Whoa, boy, ease up.
You're like a fly swimming in a barrel of pickles.
You got to cut wood before you can shave its bark.
Think about it. Think about it.
Write her a note?
There you go!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
clearly, whoever committed these horrible atrocities
is a savage beast.
In fact, we have no proof
that these crimes were even committed by a human being at all.
You know, I've seen some pretty smart animals in my time.
I've seen a chicken play the piano.
And the gibbon?
Everyone forgets it has a thumb.
Indulge me, if you will.
"Disturbing the peace, loitering, shoplifting,
"armed robbery,
"burglary,
"impersonating a U.S. forest ranger,
"receiving stolen goods."
These are all crimes Carl Wayne Bishop has been arrested for.
Petty crimes.
A far cry from murder, wouldn't you say?
As we all know, Shit.
killing a man is not easy.
It'd be safe to say there are not many killers among us.
Hopefully none.
It takes persistence and determination to kill.
Why, just last spring, I found two mice in my garage,
and I had the darndest time killing those little suckers.
Isn't it then logical that an unfocused,
misdirected youth, such as my client
would never have the get-up-and-go
that it would take to stun, strangle and dispose
of the bodies of seven full-grown men?
Carl Wayne Bishop is an angry man,
but not a killer.
For lack of a better word,
he's a screw-up.
Objection, Your Honor.
You can't object. This is my opening statement.
Counsel will approach the bench.
A gibbon? A chicken who can play piano?
Calling his client "a screw-up."
This is a waste of taxpayer's money.
What in God's name are you doing here?
(SIGHING) Your Honor,
I don't think it's fair that you guys get to have
your own little powwow over here, while we can't listen.
We have to hear, too, for information.
You're a juror.
Get back in that box!
(WHISPERING) I'm just trying to do my job.
Number 6, come on.
Back in the box.
You are in trouble.
(SNORTING)
MALE ANNOUNCER: You're watching Justice TV,
America's number one court channel.
All verdicts, all day.
And now, our top-notch legal expert, Hal Gibson.
Hello, court fans.
What a trial we have for you today.
The People versus Carl Wayne Bishop. What a doozy!
In the corner of the accused, we have Defense Attorney Fishburn.
The tests are back and they say DNA: "Do Not Ask."
This guy is fresh off the farm, baby. Court appointed.
He has zero wins, five losses, with one in appeal!
I mean, are you serious?
This is an NC: No Contest. An M and M: A Mis-Match.
The guy's a fighter, but he's no Dershowitz!
Look for him to go "ad hominem," baby. It's all he's got.
In the State's corner, we have Prosecutor Starling.
She's a PTA, baby: a Prime Time Attorney.
A-one, top of the line, Stanford educated. I mean, this...
MAN ON TAPE: I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe, others will believe.
(SNORING) Come on, Principal Beasely, please.
I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's doormat.
Ahh!
If I believe, others will believe.
I can accomplish my goals.
Evening, Number 6.
Damn.
Bye-bye.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe, others...
Hold down the fort, Peanut. It's time to take action.
(BARKING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(EXHALING)
Ahh!
(CRASHING)
(CAT MEOWING)
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Sorry.
(JINGLING)
Hi!
Can I help you, sir? Hah! Yes!
I'm in room 505. I need to switch rooms, please?
Oh, okay.
Oh, oh, uh...
Mr. Collins, I'm sorry. You're one of the jurors.
Unfortunately, I can't move you.
Those are especially assigned rooms.
That's ridiculous! I can't sleep.
Look, see the luggage under these eyes?
Huh? Do you see? Look. Look. Look.
You got glasses on. Take a look. Luggage. Luggage. Louis Vuitton.
How do you expect me to render a fair verdict?
Do you realize that there's a man's life
that hangs in the balance here?
I'm afraid it's out of my hands.
(GASPING)
"I'm not your doormat! I can accomplish my goals!
"Turn the tape over, now!"
I wish there was some way we could work something out,
but I'm afraid there isn't.
Three more cancellations, sir.
The renovations are causing more disturbance than we figured.
Any more of these and I'll lose my shirt.
And that lovely tie.
Russell, old buddy, old pal.
I think I have an idea.
When can we expect a verdict? I cannot say.
Any word on the verdict? No comment.
A verdict? No comment.
Boss, look.
How about a verdict? No comment.
Any word on the verdict?
Holiday Suites Hotel, where every day's a holiday!
Ah, ah, aha!
Hey, Russell, buddy!
Mom, Dad, come see the Holiday Suites! Ooh!
STARLING: Dr. Brookings,
as the preeminent expert on the psychology of serial killers,
tell me,
why would a man choose to live under the same roof as his victims,
amidst his own personal killing field, as it were?
It's quite simple, actually.
It all boils down to an issue of control,
which at its most basic human level
can be attributed to penis envy.
By having these dead bodies buried in his living room,
clearly there's some kind of...
Is something the matter, Juror Number 6?
Yes, actually, I didn't get that last bit. What was it attributed to?
Dr. Brookings?
Penis envy.
Excuse me, what kind of envy?
Penis.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear the...
Penis.
Just once more.
Penis! Penis! Penis!
(ALL LAUGHING)
After Mr. Bishop was fired,
what did you overhear him say?
He said,
"I'm gonna kill you."
He said, "Your days are numbered, matey."
He said, "Your ass is tabouli."
(CROWD MURMURING)
I...
I saw him stab...
Stab a weenie and say,
"I wish it were you."
(SOBBING)
(CROWD MURMURING)
(SIGHING)
No further questions.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
Hey!
Have a good night, guys.
We're going to bigger and better places, my friend.
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, yeah.
(PANTING)
♪ Hallelujah
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Peanut, this is gonna be a long trial, huh!
Mr. Collins,
welcome to the El Presidente Suite.
Your new home away from home.
Wow!
Every day isn't a holiday.
Every day is an orgasm.
(CHUCKLING)
Since your endorsement this morning,
our phones have been ringing off the hook with reservations.
Anytime, Cadbury. Anytime.
I'll scratch your back,
and I'll let you know what you can scratch.
Uh, yes, well.
Oh, you have a dog?
Sort of.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: When that gassy, bloated feeling strikes...
MALE ANNOUNCER: Damaging ultra-violet rays...
And he watches TV?
MALE ANNOUNCER: Finally, a category called "Kings Named Haakon."
Peanut loves Jeopardy.
(BARKING) "Sports" for $200, please.
What happened to him?
We don't talk about that.
But hey, you should see some of his tricks. Watch.
Roll over.
(WHINING)
Through the hoop.
(WHINING)
Stage fright. But this one, he always gets.
Sit.
Huh!
Good boy, Peanut.
Good boy.
Russell's gonna find you a big slab of roast beef,
'cause you're so smart.
(YODELING)
That's the Peanut call.
Yes, of course it is.
Well, uh,
as we discussed, all your calls
will automatically be forwarded.
Nobody can know.
Absolutely no one.
(WHOOPING)
Whoo!
This is gonna be great!
(GARGLING)
This sucks.
♪ If I had money
♪ Tell you what I'd do
♪ I'd go downtown and buy a Mercury or two
♪ Crazy about a Mercury
(CHEERING)
She likes us, Peanut.
♪ Buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road
♪ The girl I love, I stole her from a friend
♪ He got lucky, stole her back again
♪ 'Cause she know he had a Mercury
♪ She know he had a Mercury
♪ Am gonna buy me a Mercury
♪ And cruise it up and down the road
Oh, oh, ohh!
(WHINES)
(LAUGHING)
Okay.
Lower, lower.
Aah, aah.
♪ If I had
(QUACKING)
(BARKING)
♪ Buy a Mercury or two
♪ Crazy about a Mercury
♪ I'm crazy about a Mercury
♪ I'm gonna buy me a Mercury
♪ And cruise it up and down the road
♪ I'm gonna buy me a Mercury
♪ And cruise it up and down the road ♪
Long live
jury duty!
♪ Oh
♪ Carl Wayne Bishop
♪ I say we give him the gas
♪ You know, on second thought, I say we deep-fry his ass
♪ Everybody, now
♪ Deep-fry his ass
♪ Deep-fry his ass ♪
As you can see,
it is nothing short of a three-ring circus here in front of the courthouse.
Protesters, freaks, sycophants, the unemployed, all assembled and purchasing
the merchandising of human carnage.
Amusing? Color me sickened by the bottom feeders
who suckle at the teat of human tragedy.
(JUDGE POUNDING GAVEL)
You've heard the testimony
and the law has been read to you as it applies to the case.
Now it is your duty
to sit down together to determine the truth.
Seven innocent people are dead.
And one man's life hangs in the balance.
May justice prevail.
(POUNDS GAVEL)
"May justice prevail."
(IMITATING ELECTROCUTION)
We should've just handed our verdict to the judge right there.
No kidding.
At least we'll be home for dinner.
Oh, yes, dinner, followed by a warm bath and some hot cocoa.
Freedom at last.
Courtside, tonight.
Open and shut.
That boy's guiltier than a possum with a mouthful of bees.
If you need anything, I'll be right outside the door.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Let's vote.
Why waste our time? Let's just walk back in there
and tell the judge to light him up.
Excuse me, do you mind?
Yes, there're enough poisons in the air already,
thank you very much.
My sincerest apologies. Here, 20% off any hot tub or spa.
Well, I think the correct thing to do is to take a vote.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, let's just get this over with.
Good idea. A vote.
All those in favor of taking a bathroom break, raise their hands.
You pee after we vote.
It's a free country. Jorge has a right to pee.
That's right.
Sit down.
Okay.
Look, well, I gotta go.
(ALL GROANING)
Take a seat, boy.
Yeah, come on, kid.
Forget it. I have to tinkle.
Will you just hurry up?
I'm hurrying!
(UNZIPPING)
(TRICKLING)
TOMMY: Ahh!
Ahh!
(CLEARING THROAT)
Ahh!
Hmm-mmm!
Ahh!
(SIGHING)
(TRICKLING)
What the hell is that boy doing in there?
Making a pee-pee?
Reminds me of my honeymoon in Niagara Falls.
(BANGING)
Come on, boy, zip it!
I'm almost done.
Maybe while he finishes, we should elect a jury foreman.
To tell that psycho lunatic he's going to the electric chair?
Not me, oh, no. Oh, no, no.
It'll be like sentencing Satan himself.
He'll give you that evil eye.
It will haunt you until the day you die.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
The nightmares alone will have the supernatural powers to kill you.
I'm out.
Well, then who?
(FLUSHING)
(ZIPPING)
Ahh!
What?
Congratulations, kid, it's your lucky day.
What, I didn't get any on me?
No.
You've just been elected jury foreman.
(CLAPPING)
We thought you were the best man for the job.
Wow!
This is truly an honor.
First of all, I'd like to thank Principal Beasely, sir,
for that strong scholastic base.
And, Nathan, malaka salaam, brother, my man.
And, Monica, my legal beagle.
And, Harry...
Oh, shut up and let's vote!
Right now?
ALL: Yes, right now!
Yeah, but you guys just elected me jury foreman.
I say it's time for a little fiesta!
No. Vote now!
Yeah, now.
On an empty stomach?
Yes, goddamn it, on an empty stomach!
It's a simple "guilty." That's it.
That's it? And what about the baby?
What baby?
Sarah's pregnant. She's eating for two.
If we arrive at a verdict now,
it'll be at least a half hour
before they call the judge, if he's available and sober.
Then there's local TV, interviews, Nightline...
(SIGHING)
We're liable not to eat for a couple more days at least.
Uh, you know, I think he's right.
And that is why you elected me
jury foreman.
(BUZZING)
Yeah.
Have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have.
(STUTTERS) Chinese.
(MUMBLING)
(TOMMY GROANING)
I almost got it. I just got a little more.
Take it home with you, boy. Let's vote.
On a full stomach?
Yes, goddamn it, on a full stomach.
I believe the rule is, no voting until 30 minutes after you eat.
That's swimming, you idiot!
Oh, Principal Beasely, what are you doing?
This stuff is money in the bank. This stuff's worth a fortune.
This right here, guys, is our future.
Our future? It's our end.
That and aerosol cans and asbestos,
and the rest of the crap that's poisoning us.
That's very interesting, okay? Can we cut the crap and vote?
Now? Yes!
Yes, now.
Quit stalling.
Now! Now!
ALL: Now!
All right, okay, let's just get to it right now.
No sense in wasting taxpayers' money.
Okay, pass it down.
A secret ballot is a waste of time.
And paper.
May I have the honor of collecting the votes?
Yes, you may, Jorge.
You know, in my country,
a man does not have the right to a fair trial.
This jury system is really something wonderful.
I am so proud.
Oh, great. Count them.
Okay, you guys ready?
ALL: Yes.
"Guilty."
That one was probably yours.
Probably. (SMIRKS)
Okay, "Guilty."
"Guilty."
Ray, this says "Guilty."
Now, let me think. What do you think this one is?
This says "Guilty," too.
Okay, "Guilty."
"Guilty."
(STUTTERS) "Guilty."
"Guilty."
Oh, my...
"Not guilty"?
ALL: What?
Let me see that!
My! This is unbelievable. Which one of you guys did this?
I am shocked...
Mr. Collins!
Yes, Principal Beasely, sir?
There is a "u" in "not guilty."
Are you sure?
I don't believe I understood correctly.
I was thinking about my girl, who I haven't seen in four years.
Did you vote not guilty?
Yeah.
How could you...
And how can you vote guilty?
Goddamn it, Tommy! I killed for these tickets.
If you make me miss the game because of your bullshit, I'll be pissed off!
I'll be very, very pissed off!
Now, wait a second. I believe even Mr. Collins has a right to his opinion.
Maybe we should discuss this before he votes guilty.
Exactly.
Reasonable doubt.
Okay, what does this mean? We got "reason"
from the French "raison"
meaning "dry grape." And we got "able"
from Abraham Lincoln, our beloved third president.
Boy, I'm gonna kill you!
No!
Gonna kill you!
♪ Beat's said that I'm no good
♪ But I don't need you to hold my hand
(SCREAMING)
♪ Or take me to your promised land
♪ People try to tell me
♪ How to live my life
♪ I just want a chance to shout
♪ What it's all about
♪ Double fantasy
♪ Come on and check it out
♪ All right
(GRUNTING)
♪ Yeah
(ALL LAUGHING)
♪ I went to your promised land
♪ Just one look is all I get
♪ I can't find mine anywhere
♪ So don't you try to tell me
♪ How to live my life
♪ I just want a chance to shout
♪ What it's all about
♪ Double fantasy
♪ Come on and check it out ♪
(ALL CHATTERING)
ALL: Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.
(SCREAMING)
I say we request an alternate and report this slimebucket to the Judge.
(SCREAMING)
This is like being stuck on an island with Gilligan!
Oh, wait!
It's worse, it's real life.
Ow, aah! My ear!
Stop killing time and start killing killers!
Aah!
In my country, they would've shot this Bishop on day one.
Here, you people play games.
Aah!
Maybe I don't like this country so much.
(CHOKING)
Listen, we're all making a tremendous sacrifice, okay?
Ahh!
But I don't want to send this guy to the chair
without at least considering all the facts.
I mean, I'm willing to forego a little comfort
in my life so that justice can be done.
Even if it takes a year.
A year?
My business is going to ruins!
(YELLING)
She's having the baby! She's having the baby!
We're right here, Sarah.
Back off. She needs some air.
Wait, wait, wait, no.
It's a false alarm. It's okay. It's just the baby kicking.
Oh, God, I told you she was funny. See?
Do you want to feel it? You can feel it.
Ohh!
Isn't that great?
Oh, wow! Ohh!
Oh, God!
Don't even think about it.
What did I do?
Get away.
What did you do?
Yeah.
Everything!
Nothing!
Instead of this poor woman being stuck here
stressing out for the past month,
she should've been in bed with her feet up! But no.
No, because of you, we're cooped up in this closet
away from our families, our friends, and our jobs
headed into the 21st century!
Now, I have supported you from day one,
but now I have to agree with everyone else.
If, by tomorrow morning, you do not walk
in here with your act pulled together,
I will personally lead a charge to the Judge's chambers
and have you thrown out.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
What's the secret code?
RUSSELL: "Peanut kicks Lassie's ass."
Wow!
I was nervous. Thanks.
Here's the research material you requested, sir.
Serial killer trading cards and more videos.
"And Justice for All. Judgment at Nuremberg.
"The Firmest?"
Oh, uh-huh.
Actually, that's mine, sir.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, I gotta go.
Thanks, Russell. Got it, Peanut.
(SIGHS)
Hello?
MONICA: Tommy?
Monica?
Look, I know it got a little heated in there this afternoon,
but...
I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
You haven't made one valid point,
that in any way casts the slightest shadow of doubt
on the defendant's fate.
You've done nothing, but waste our time.
I can't figure out why you're not voting guilty
with the rest of us.
...slip through our fingers? Are you his executioner? I'm one of...
Are you his executioner?
Perhaps you'd like to pull the switch?
TOMMY: Perhaps you'd like to pull the switch?
I feel sorry for you. What it must feel like to...
I feel sorry for you.
What it must feel like to want to pull the switch.
Ever since you walked into that room,
you've been acting like a self-appointed public avenger.
Personally want it, not because...
You want to see this boy die because you personally want it,
not because of the facts. You're a...
Duck-billed platypus.
What?
Stop, Peanut! Get off. Stop it!
(WHIMPERING)
I had no intention of coming off
like an executioner.
Peanut, this isn't funny.
(WHIMPERING)
I just had no idea you felt so passionately.
I guess you know what you're doing.
Stop it! I'll see you tomorrow?
Oh! Yeah, okay.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, wow!
Pull another stunt like that
and it's back to the lab for you. Now what are we gonna do?
(KEY JANGLING)
(DOOR OPENING)
Bishop, you got a visitor.
Your girlfriend's here to kiss you goodbye.
Purr!
In here. He'll be right out.
(HISSES)
Thanks, Rusty. Say hi to Judge Ito.
Growl!
You got five minutes. Make them count.
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUTTERING)
(GROANS)
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
No, no, no, no, no, look,
it's not who you think it is. Look, see?
I like French women.
What about these?
(GRUNTS)
Perfect. I hate implants.
All right, what about this?
(SCREAMS)
Get me out of here, she's a freak!
She's a freak!
She is a wild one.
(CHUCKLES)
No, Carl Bishop. Don't do it!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Look, it's me, hi!
It's Tommy, Juror Number 6.
I'm gonna kill you, funny man!
No, no, no, relax.
Relax. CPW, right?
Listen. Okay, here's the deal.
All the other jurors, they think you're guilty.
But me, uh-uh, I think you're innocent.
You know what?
If I don't change their minds by the mornin',
they're gonna deep-fry your ass like chicken.
(FRYING SOUNDS)
♪ Deep-fry the ass Deep-fry the ass ♪
Shut up!
Oh, quick, come closer, come closer.
Two-minute warning.
Hi!
I missed you, Trishina.
I missed you, too, Carl Wayne Bishop.
Mmm-mmm.
Da, uh,
okay.
What is going on here?
You gotta help me if I'm gonna help you, too.
Have you tried reasonable doubt?
That's too difficult.
Reenactment?
Too painful.
What about giving sperm?
Huh?
Oh!
Come on, give it to me, Carl Wayne Bishop!
Oh, ride me! Oh!
Time's up.
(HOOTING)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
Oh, to be young and on death row.
Mmm.
Nice hickey.
And so, uh,
do you still want to sauna?
(YELLING)
TOMMY: Please, open it, please, somebody!
What the hell? Give them two more minutes.
Yeah, why not?
Open, ah,
ooh...
Ah, what a night, what a night!
Hey, everybody.
Hi!
Oh, Skeets, would you show me a picture of your girlfriend?
I just want to look at her for a sec.
(SIGHING)
Oh!
Yep, this is her.
You know, she looks a lot different
with her clothes on.
She is a panther in the sack.
Mmm.
(NEIGHS)
I'm gonna kill you!
(YELLING)
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Thank God you're here, Murph. Private Skeets is a madman.
(COUGHS)
He says he wants to kill me.
Is that so?
Of course not. I was just kidding.
(COUGHING) I'm just a little frustrated, that's all.
TOMMY: Just like Carl Wayne Bishop.
Oh, Murph, while you're here, arrest this guy.
For what?
He actually killed for these.
Whoa, stay right there, Murph, all right?
It's an expression.
I say it all the time, okay? It doesn't mean anything.
How do we know Carl Wayne Bishop
actually meant what he said?
How do we know it wasn't an expression?
Morons.
But Carl Wayne Bishop fits the profile of a killer perfectly.
How is that, Sarah? Huh? Because he dresses differently?
Because he doesn't look like you guys?
Because he can't hold down a job?
Now, wait a minute, now. Wait a minute.
You didn't sleep with my girlfriend, did you?
(SIGHS) No.
Monica, how much did the steer shack manager weigh?
Uh, 180 pounds. Why?
Would you mind participating in a little legal experiment?
Conducted by you, Mr. Collins?
Not at all. In fact, I'm rather curious.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(BUZZING)
(CRIES)
(GASPS)
Jorge, you're about the so-called killer's weight and height.
Pick Beasely up and throw him on the table.
Okay, no problem.
Come on, try it.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hernia.
Rose, you want to give it a try?
Uh, sure.
Wait. What is your point?
What's my point? I think it's obvious.
How much did Carl Wayne Bishop weigh?
130 pounds.
He could never have lifted the steer shack manager.
Oh, that's ridiculous!
Why is this so difficult to understand?
Because for the first time there's reason to suspect
that Carl Wayne Bishop is telling the truth.
That he was set up?
Exactly!
That's preposterous!
You guys,
we're talking about a human being's life here. Hello?
♪ Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes ♪
The whole thing!
The least we owe him, is to sleep on it just one more night, okay?
(ALL SIGHING)
We what?
(ALL CHATTERING)
I say we give him a chance.
We've come this far.
Listen, I'll make you guys a deal.
If, by tomorrow,
you guys still feel Bishop is the killer,
I'll come in, I'll vote guilty with the rest of yas.
Well...
(ALL MURMURING)
All right, all right!
Tomorrow!
Thanks.
Stop the bus! Open the doors! Open the doors!
I think I see something.
BEASELY: Collins!
Mr. Collins, back to your seat!
Yeah, come on, kid, give it up!
Come on, let's go!
Bishop says he was knocked out, right?
Right.
Clearly, if the killer knocked out all his victims with the stun gun...
Then he would've done the same thing to Bishop.
Right. And considering the stun gun markings
were on the neck and the shoulders...
It's logical to assume that Bishop would have a similar mark.
Behold.
Ah!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
How do we know that the marks are from a stun gun?
Yes.
Simple.
Wait, wait. Stop that.
(MURMURING)
How do we know he didn't have those marks forever?
Come here. Don't touch me, please!
Look!
I don't see any stun gun markings here, do you?
(SIGHING)
Come on, Frank, we can save an innocent man's life here.
Seems logical.
(ALL AGREEING)
Tom is right.
If I believe, others will believe, sir?
"A" plus, Mr. Collins.
Thank you, sir.
And, as my good friend Ray would say,
"Ain't nothing sweeter than a catfish
"doing the backstroke
"at the shallow end of the kiddie pool."
Hey, Ray!
Yo, bro.
BOTH: Not guilty!
(ALL CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
You and me, amigo, courtside, tomorrow.
No, no, no, chico. No more court for me, please!
Laker tickets. Laker!
(LAUGHING)
Laker girls!
Hey, Frank.
No hard feelings?
It's fine.
Maybe we'll get together one day and recycle.
Fine.
HARRY: A toast!
(ALL CHATTERING)
To our jury foreman!
Hit it, Rose.
♪ For he's a jolly good foreman
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
(LAUGHING)
ROSE: I knew it.
(RATTLING)
(WHIMPERING)
Ohh!
Hi, cutie.
You poor thing. Who do you belong to?
(BARKS)
Where are you going?
Hey! Hey!
Puppy, where are you going?
Puppy!
Puppy! Ooh!
(BELL DINGS)
Puppy!
(GRUNTS)
MONICA: Puppy! Puppy!
Puppy, where are you?
Puppy!
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(WHIMPERS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
Peanut.
(PANTING)
Puppy!
(MOANING)
Peanut, where have you been?
Ah, Peanut, where have you been, boy?
What is going on here?
So, this is what it was all about?
This is why we went on and on?
Huh?
It was why.
(SIGHS)
I've changed.
I was checking out of here tonight. Honest.
With your little circus act?
So, this whole thing had nothing to do with justice,
did it?
The only man's life you cared about was your own.
I feel so stupid.
You're no hero.
You're just a fraud.
Monica, no, you don't...
Number 2, where...
(SIGHS)
Oh!
Isn't this rich?
What's going on here, Number 6?
It saddens me,
it disappoints me,
that an individual
has wasted a lot of your and my valuable time.
He has been exposed to biased and censored material.
He has left me little choice but to declare
a mistrial!
(MOANING)
(BANGS GAVEL)
(CRYING)
Shut up.
The jury is dismissed.
A new hearing will be set at a later date.
(BANGING GAVEL)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(GROANING)
MALE ANNOUNCER: What better way to make kids feel safe
than with this Carl Wayne Bishop nightlight?
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: That's right, Jack, watch this.
(LAUGHING)
There are only 72 of these beauties left. And our special price is...
You're a hero.
You saved a man's life.
If only a handful of people in this world had your conviction,
we'd be a lot better off.
And I mean that.
(SHRIEKS)
Get up, let's go.
(GRUNTING)
Wake up, Tommy, wake up. Why?
We're going mining, son.
What you need is some old-fashioned therapy.
Come on!
(COUGHING)
I think I've had enough therapy
for one day, Jed.
Why do people throw this stuff away?
I mean, it lasts forever!
I'm telling you, Tommy, these psycho environmentalists
have got it all ass-backwards.
Right.
Right!
Those psycho environmentalists!
Now you're getting the hang of it.
You're a genius, Jed!
Huh?
Hey, come here! Where are you going?
I'm gonna go save an innocent man's life, Jed!
Bye.
Hey, Columbo, get back here!
Come back here with my truck, you little shit!
Don't leave me out here in this damn dump by myself!
(RINGING)
Hello?
TOMMY: Monica!
You? I figured it out.
It's not about a disgruntled employee being fired.
It's about non-recyclables!
Non-recyclables?
You're starting to sound like Frank.
I don't have time for you or your silly ideas.
I'm late for work.
Oh, great! Great, great, great!
(BARKS)
Frank! Frank!
Mr. CFC himself! He'll know about this stuff.
Look up Frank. He's an environmentalist!
(BARKS)
Gotta call Frank.
(MUTTERING)
(WHINING)
(BARKS)
Oh, hey! How are you? Hey, how was jury duty?
Thanks for volunteering for me. Hawaii was great.
Look at the tan. Check it out.
Anytime you want to make that trade,
I'm your guy. I'm up for that.
(BUZZING)
Anytime, Frank.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, Frank, thank God you're here. We need to talk.
What are you doing? I figured it out.
I did a little Holmes and Watson,
and I know why the killer's been killing.
Why? Three words, Frank,
non-recy-clables!
He hasn't been killing because he's been fired!
No, no, no, no.
He was pissed because these places are still using non-recyclables.
He's one of you guys, Frank.
Hello? Bingo! Chi-ching, chi-ching.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) You okay, Frank?
Fine.
Can you believe it? You're gonna help me find him, right?
(GRUNTS)
You can't leave your shoes lying around.
Someone's liable to break their neck.
So, does anybody else know about this little, uh, theory of yours?
Monica, but she hates me.
Why? You're so likeable!
You know something, Frank? What?
You can help me with Monica.
She won't believe me by myself,
but with you there, oh, yes. She'd buy it in a second!
You're so smart, Tommy!
And that is why you elected me
jury foreman.
Let's go.
(ENGINE STARTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Come on, let's go, Frank!
Come on, Frank, come on!
What are you doing here? I told you I didn't want...
I know, Monica, I've been a complete jerk, okay?
I'm sorry. But I figured it out.
Whoever this guy is, he's got something for non-recyclables.
Right, Frank?
Good thinking. You got a gun.
We might need that later. Smart.
Anyways, Monica, please listen...
Frank, come on. You gotta find the guy first.
Put the gun away.
Whoever he is, right, he's gotta be some flipped out,
psycho environmentalist guy, right?
I mean, he's very similar to...
Frank?
Frank.
That's a pretty smart idea, Frank.
Getting on the jury to convince us
Bishop was guilty.
Thanks.
Ouch, that's too tight, I can't breathe.
Nice cutlery, Frank.
I wouldn't carve your initials in the table.
Look, the librarian's right here.
Don't worry.
I won't be carving the table.
What can we do? There's gotta be something.
There's a guard out front.
Oh, I'll get his attention.
How?
Okay, watch, watch, watch.
(GRUNTING)
(CREAKING)
(THUDDING)
Uh... Uh!
(CHATTERING ON TV)
Couldn't you have just yelled?
What the hell is going on in here?
Hey!
Ahh!
And that is why we elected you jury foreman.
Got any other bright ideas?
Yeah, just one.
(YODELING)
Hush up, Tom!
That was your bright idea?
You'll see.
ALEX TREBEK ON TV: This capital is one of the USA's busiest. April?
What is Denver? Right.
"State capitals" for $400, please.
The answer there, the daily double!
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Whatever your plan is, it's not working.
Wait. What time is it?
(SIGHS)
8:57.
Oh, damn! Jeopardy!
...look at today's final Jeopardy category,
"Poland."
We'll be back with a clue relating to that subject following this break.
(GRUNTING)
Why did you do it, Frank?
Or should I call you the psycho environmentalist killer?
My mother called me Billy.
I'll tell you why I did it. I'm only hastening the inevitable!
Mother Earth needs to cleanse herself,
or we're all gonna burn in a fiery hell!
Oh, God, can't you see? There's no hope!
(GASPING)
Aren't you a ray of sunshine?
Sure there is. There's plenty of hope.
But you have to turn the world around to help people.
Free Willy, Billy, not kill Willy.
Billy.
No.
Kill Tommy,
Tommy.
(BARKS)
(GRUNTS)
I knew you'd come save us.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Puppy!
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
TOMMY: Okay, let's go.
(GROANING)
You wait here. I'll take care of him.
What are you doing?
Come on, Frank. Come on.
You want some of me, Frank? Come on, come on.
(CHOKING)
Now, I really can't breathe.
(GASPING)
I can't breathe.
(YELLING)
Please.
The verdict is in.
You are sentenced to die.
Asbestos.
(SCREAMING)
(BELLS TOLLING)
(MONICA PANTING)
So that's what these things are for.
Look on the bright side, Frank.
At least you're biodegradable.
(COUGHS)
Well, 6,
I think it's time we deliberate.
I couldn't agree more.
(FLASH EXPLODING)
(APPLAUDING)
This is truly a proud moment for the Department of Justice,
and to Thomas B. Collins.
It is my great honor to present to you a check
for an extra day's work.
That's way too much.
CROWD: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
TOMMY: Well, thank you, thank you, distinguished guests.
And to you, Judge Powell.
I believe I owe you the biggest debt of gratitude.
For you, of all people, showed me
what I should be doing with my life.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
♪ I wanna make
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
♪ I wanna make every woman I see
Uh-uh-uh.
♪ I'm a heterosexual man
♪ Just a heterosexual man
(WOMAN HOOTING)
WOMAN: Go ahead, sweetheart!
♪ I wanna do it to them in their clothes ♪
TOMMY: All right! Yeah, Peanut, you made it!
Little puppy, be a good boy!
(YODELING)
Judge Ito, a bite of my burrito!
Kato, have some of my tomato.
Hey, Mr. Cochran, have some of my...
Okay, I won't say that one.
(SWEET SOUL REVUE PLAYING IN JAPANESE)